I’ve gotten a lot of worried emails from people wondering why the site hasn’t been updated as much recently. What I’m about to tell you will chill you to your core, but it’s a story that must be told. It’s the story of the time I was kidnapped and held captive by cats. It happened last week, on Thursday.

I was walking down the street, after having stopped by the local convenience store to buy an ice cream drumstick. Those things are pretty tasty. The owners son, Manuel, said some things to me in Spanish. I laughed and said, “Si,” then went on my way. Manuel is great. What a smart kid.

As I was enjoying my ice cream, humming an Eagles song, the bushes started to rustle around me. At first I blamed it on the wind, but I quickly realized that I was being stalked by something in the bushes. Finally I yelled, “I know you’re there, show yourself!” A large black cat emerged from the bushes, followed by several cats in camouflage. He stared at me with his big yellow eyes for what seemed like an hour before he said, “we’ve been expecting you.”

The next thing I knew I was waking up in a cave that was filled with kitty litter and stank like an old single woman’s house. My head was killing me and I realized that they had knocked me out and taken me to their secret lair. It was either that or their bathroom, I never did get a clear answer on that.

The large black cat identified himself as their leader, Steven. He told me that cats everywhere have been telling tales of the man who was turning humans against them. That’s why, he said, they were going to kill me. All of the other cats in the cave started laughing, and I was sure that I was done for.

That night, as I rested against the cave wall, bound hand and foot, I heard a quiet squeaking and felt a tiny nudge against my leg. I looked down to see a tiny rat. It looked up into my big human eyes, and I down into his little beady rat eyes, and we both understood that we shared a common enemy. It began feverishly gnawing away at the rope that the cats had used to tie me up, and within minutes I was free. It scampered back into a crack in the wall of the cave, stopping only to offer me a brief salute, and I sprinted out of the cave and into the night.

I ran for what seemed like miles, finally arriving home and collapsing on my bed. I knew then that I had to share my story with the world.

So you see, cats kidnapped me and kept me as their prisoner with the intention of silencing me once and for all. They wanted me gone so I would stop spreading the truth, but I’ll never stop.

You hear that you little rat eating bastards? I’ll never stop fighting for what’s right. I’ll never stop shining the flood light on your deceit and lies. Am I a hero? Oh, I don’t know. I guess I could be. Let’s just say that yes, I am a hero. A super hero, even. Yes, I like the sound of that.