Sweet haircut you fucking nerd. You see that on TV and figure you’d give it a try? I bet all the other cats picked on you when you showed up at school sporting that sweet ‘do. I dig the bushy leg thing you’ve got going on there. What’s that called, The Fall Out Boy? You’re so getting strung up to the flag pole by your underwear at school tomorrow.

Look cat, I’m going to level with you. You’re pretty much an outcast at this point. Even that cat with one leg missing at school could get a hotter date to prom than you. And someone started a rumor that you’re super gay now. Some people might tell you I started that rumor, but really I think we’re above the blame game by now, aren’t we cat?

I’m no scientist, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I don’t think this cat is Jewish. This is so typical. Cats always have to be the center of attention, and this little bastard couldn’t stand the idea of Jews getting a little attention because it’s Yom Kippur, so he went out and got himself a little Yarmulke. Cute. Real fucking cute.

So you’re going one day without everyone fawning over you and saying “aww” every time you blink, cat. It’s not the end of the damn world. I can’t believe you’re so insecure and fragile that you can’t last one second outside of the spotlight. I’m so disappointed in you, cat. This is a new low, even for you.

I’ve been this tired before, but unlike cats I understand that there are rules that have to be observed. Not falling asleep in my food at the dinner table is one of those rules. My mom would have slapped the shit out of me had I done this, but somehow this little asshole is an internet sensation because he face planted in his IAMS.

I get it, you’re a baby cat, you get sleepy. But if you don’t learn manners now, you’re going to have a hard time as an adult. No woman will ever date you if you’re constantly doing whatever strikes you. Can you imagine being at a fancy restaurant and you’re catching some Z’s in your filet mignon? You’ll be a pariah. Nobody will love you. You’ll live alone in a one bedroom apartment in a bad part of town and your neighbors will get creeped out by you because you’ll always have stains on your shirt and you’ll smell like cheese…and…I kind of forget where I was going with this….what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Grow up cat, and learn some fucking manners.

Oh look, this cat grew some wings. Awesome. Totally awesome. Cats really needed another advantage. They’ve already got half the population under their spell as it is, now this. Feeding them, petting them, scooping up their shit, petting their bellies. Now they’re adding flight to the equation? Cats have the biggest fucking egos around, and it’s because of shit like this. They can fall 50 feet and walk away casually. They can pretty much fit through any tight crack or space like they’re made of elastic. And now, they can fly. It’s almost like they’re gearing up to be superhero’s, except for that they’re lazy pieces of shit that only use their powers for sleeping and giving you condescending glares. Great.

Kittywigs.com is a website that sells colored wigs for cats. Fantastic! I’ve discussed the destructive power of the cat before on this site, and Kittywigs.com just strengthens my belief that cats will drive a person completely fucking insane. The cat lady is real, and she made this website. Read this excerpt from the product description:

“Shaft shows off the many moods of a natural blonde: sweet yet catty, smart yet batty — where life is alluring and coy. Now all he needs is a bikini and a Swedish accent.”

Again, fantastic! A black cat named Shaft! How creative. The woman who owns this site says that all Shaft (the male cat) needs now is a bikini and a Swedish accent. Just so we’re clear, that would make him a talking black tranny cat from Scandinavia. That sounds like the single most horrifying thing I could possibly imagine. We need to stop building prisons for criminals and start investing in technology that would trap criminals in this womans mind. Crime rates would drop. I can tell you that right now.

“Hey you, sailor! Yoohoo! Vats your name? I’m Shaft. Do you likes to party? Supa dupa!”

Site submitted by reader Steven K

Remember Alf? He was that lovable alien who just so happened to love eating cats. They always gave him such a hard time about it and that’s just flat out mean. He was a stranded Alien in a confusing, far away place, and all he wanted was something to eat. And what did they do? They took the side of the damn cat and Alf had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for years on end. I’m no scientist, but I don’t think there’s a shortage of cats on this planet. If anything there’s too many. Our first contact with aliens and we won’t even let them have a damn snack. We really are a bunch of assholes.

Recommended by @PsychoPixie

Obviously I’m not really in favor of owning cats, but if you absolutely HAVE to, make sure you get yourself one of these. Look how safe that family feels. It’s because they know that with this amazing device they never have to worry about that little agent of Satan breaking free and attacking them again.

At $16.49 what are you really losing anyway? Just buy one and try it out. It’s not like you’re hurting anyone.

Some genius over at Thrillist.com wrote up a really nice piece about fuckyoucat.com today. I just wanted to say thanks to Thrillist for featuring the site, and also for sharing what is obviously a similar distrust and disdain of cats. It’s always good to have friends in high places. You hear that, cats? Our numbers are growing. Your reign of tyranny will soon be over!

I really enjoy the concept of taking a cat out of its natural element and scaring the living shit out of it. In general I think we as humans should do that more often. That is why I love what these Russians are doing. This guy put baggies over the cats paws so it couldn’t claw him, then strapped it to his chest and jumped out of a fucking plane. You can see the cat lose his shit right as he’s about to go over the edge. That’s funny to me.

Sure, the Russians may be a bunch of freedom hating pale alcoholics, but one thing is for sure: they know how to put cats in their place. You really have to respect them for that.

This is just filthy. Look how lovingly the guy is looking at that cat. There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s something else going on here, because getting super naked and taking a shower with your cat is not normal or cool. Going the extra mile and filming it, then putting it up on YouTube for the world to see is just a whole different bottle of crazy that I can’t even bring myself to think about.

You know whose fault this is? The damn cat, that’s who. This poor dummy is so enamored with his evil little cat that he thought this was a good idea. In a few years when it’s dead or has run away to find a better home he’s going to start snapping out of it. He’s going to realize he put up a video of himself showering with his cat on the fucking internet. That’s going to be a rough day for him.