Nice costume, chubby. I find your choice to be a bit ironic. There is absolutely nothing “super” about you, except for maybe the size of your gut. I would almost feel bad for you except for the fact that you clearly did this to yourself. But hey, who knows. I guess anything is possible. Maybe you’re one of those totally unimpressive retarded looking superhero’s that everybody underestimates, like The Green Hornet or Steven Hawking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! I think you’ll find that legally speaking, marriage is defined as being between two HUMANS. So if you’re trying to make a statement about a cats right to marry, just forget about it right now, because I seriously doubt cats can even feel love. You’re just little balls of evil wrapped in fur, and frankly your costumes are a disgrace to the entire institution of marriage.

Either this cat is planning on going to space, or he’s an Evel Knievel impersonator with his head stuffed into a gerbil ball. Either way, I’m a little freaked out. I think it goes without saying that if cats have developed a space program without us knowing, we’re in far worse shape than I had originally anticipated. On the other hand, if cats are daredevil adrenaline junkies then I have to wonder how long it will be before they start attacking humans just to get off. This shit is getting bad. For now let’s act like nothing is going on. Everybody just go about your business and let’s all PRETEND like cats aren’t thrillseeker astronauts who plan to murder us all.

By the looks of your military beret and your combat camouflage, you should be in the kitty military, cat. Maybe even an officer. But damn it all there’s that pesky “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule, and that electric blue fur collar you’re sporting isn’t going to win you any supporters in the platoon. I’m just going to float the idea that maybe you’d be happier as a hairstylist, or some other gay stereotype that I’ve learned from watching TV. Keep your head up, cat. You’ll figure it all out some day!

Okay. These cats are clearly not fucking around. They show all the signs of being your classic gang trio. Obviously the guy in the middle is the fearless leader. On the left you have your garden variety lackey, and on your right you’ve got the cold blooded psycho who looks like Hitler and will cut you up without any hesitation.

Usually, cats scare me because I’m pretty much convinced that they’re bent on world domination. In this case I’m scared because I’m from the suburbs and these guys look like they’re going to beat me up and steal my new shoes. They’re my new trainers! My mom bought them for me last week! Come on, man…

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA!

As a breed, cats are pretty smug, but this ginger bastard takes the cake for condescending looks. Oh, I’m sorry grandpa, did I wake you up with my rock and roll music and my skateboarding on the sidewalk? What a dick. Go watch Matlock…or the cat equivalent…Catlock? God I hate myself for that. Fucking ginger cats.

Oh I see what’s going on here. That’s pretty clever, cat. I’ll hand it to you. You’ve clearly caught wind of my site, and you know that I know that you’re up to something evil. You decided it was time to try to throw me off your scent. Dressing up as a pig so that you can go about your devious mischief unhindered might fool some people, cat, but not me. I’m humanity’s last hope in a war they don’t even know they’re fighting, and I’m not going to be had by a half-assed pig disguise. I’m like a ninja mixed with a CIA agent mixed with Will Smith from Independence Day, and I’m watching you, you sneaky little fucker. I’m always watching you.

Whoa now! We joke around about cats being evil on this site a lot, but this little bastard isn’t kidding around. He wants nothing more than to murder this happy little parrot. He wants it with every fiber of his being. I would even be willing to bet money that he hasn’t blinked in days. Look at his eyes. His sanity is slowly slipping away as he obsesses about eating that parrot.

And look at that parrot. How cool is he? Honestly, what a stud. I’d say we should warn him about the cat but I have a feeling he knows and isn’t bothered. Actually, he probably sits right in front of that window for a reason. He knows the cat is stuck outside and he’s rubbing it in his face. Man, parrots rule. I’m gonna go buy 10 right now.

“There’s a what behind me? Oh him? Ah don’t worry about him. He can’t get through that glass. He tries. Keeps smashing his head against the window. No dice. Almost feel bad for the guy, you know?”

Photo contributed by reader Shayna S.

They call these Sphynx cats. That seems like a pretty big compliment for what appears to be a walking ballsack. This has to be in the top five worst designed animals in existence. A lot of people think they’re cute, but honestly if I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night and this little four legged scrotum was staring back at me, my first instinct would be to try to kill it. It’s not because I hate cats, or because I think it’s a funny joke. It’s because this looks more like something that a villain from Ghostbusters would have sent to kill me than a real living animal. From an evolutionary standpoint, your species is not doing well when other animals panic and attempt to kill you upon first encounter.

I feel sorry for it more than anything. It has to be freezing every second of every day. It looks absolutely petrified because its body is in no way suited for this world, and it struggles for survival in the soft, warm, predator free living room. I can’t even hate this cat, and that makes me angry. I hate that feeling. Oh wait, nevermind, there it is!