September 2009
50 posts
Can I name him Ballbag?
They call these Sphynx cats. That seems like a pretty big compliment for what appears to be a walking ballsack. This has to be in the top five worst designed animals in existence. A lot of people think they’re cute, but honestly if I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night and this little four legged scrotum was staring back at me, my first instinct would be to try to kill it....
Bad call. You look dumb now.
Sweet haircut you fucking nerd. You see that on TV and figure you’d give it a try? I bet all the other cats picked on you when you showed up at school sporting that sweet ‘do. I dig the bushy leg thing you’ve got going on there. What’s that called, The Fall Out Boy? You’re so getting strung up to the flag pole by your underwear at school tomorrow.
Look cat,...
You're not Jewish!
I’m no scientist, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I don’t think this cat is Jewish. This is so typical. Cats always have to be the center of attention, and this little bastard couldn’t stand the idea of Jews getting a little attention because it’s Yom Kippur, so he went out and got himself a little Yarmulke. Cute. Real fucking cute.
So you’re...
Learn some damn manners.
I’ve been this tired before, but unlike cats I understand that there are rules that have to be observed. Not falling asleep in my food at the dinner table is one of those rules. My mom would have slapped the shit out of me had I done this, but somehow this little asshole is an internet sensation because he face planted in his IAMS. I get it, you’re a baby cat, you get sleepy. But if...
Oh good. Wings.
Oh look, this cat grew some wings. Awesome. Totally awesome. Cats really needed another advantage. They’ve already got half the population under their spell as it is, now this. Feeding them, petting them, scooping up their shit, petting their bellies. Now they’re adding flight to the equation? Cats have the biggest fucking egos around, and it’s because of shit like this. They...
Looking good, handsome.
Kittywigs.com is a website that sells colored wigs for cats. Fantastic! I’ve discussed the destructive power of the cat before on this site, and Kittywigs.com just strengthens my belief that cats will drive a person completely fucking insane. The cat lady is real, and she made this website. Read this excerpt from the product description:
“Shaft shows off the many ...
Way to go, Alf!
Remember Alf? He was that lovable alien who just so happened to love eating cats. They always gave him such a hard time about it and that’s just flat out mean. He was a stranded Alien in a confusing, far away place, and all he wanted was something to eat. And what did they do? They took the side of the damn cat and Alf had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for years on end....
Now THAT's a deal!
Obviously I’m not really in favor of owning cats, but if you absolutely HAVE to, make sure you get yourself one of these. Look how safe that family feels. It’s because they know that with this amazing device they never have to worry about that little agent of Satan breaking free and attacking them again.
At $16.49 what are you really losing anyway? Just buy one and try it out....
Hey thanks Thrillist.com!
Some genius over at Thrillist.com wrote up a really nice piece about fuckyoucat.com today. I just wanted to say thanks to Thrillist for featuring the site, and also for sharing what is obviously a similar distrust and disdain of cats. It’s always good to have friends in high places. You hear that, cats? Our numbers are growing. Your reign of tyranny will soon be over!
Cats do not like to skydive.
I really enjoy the concept of taking a cat out of its natural element and scaring the living shit out of it. In general I think we as humans should do that more often. That is why I love what these Russians are doing. This guy put baggies over the cats paws so it couldn’t claw him, then strapped it to his chest and jumped out of a fucking plane. You can see the cat lose his shit right...
Ew!
This is just filthy. Look how lovingly the guy is looking at that cat. There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s something else going on here, because getting super naked and taking a shower with your cat is not normal or cool. Going the extra mile and filming it, then putting it up on YouTube for the world to see is just a whole different bottle of crazy that I can’t even...
They get younger and younger every year.
Cats are innocent and sweet? BULLSHIT! Look at this cat hanging out with a bunch of nazis! What really upsets me is how young this cat is. It’s probably only a month old and already it owns a grenade and hangs out with a bunch of nazis. This cat had better get his act together and stop hanging out with the wrong crowd or he’s going to be in a lot of trouble later in life. Where are...
Nice costumes, nerds.
You guys are a bunch of nerds. There. I said what everyone else was thinking. I’m not really even clear on what any of you are supposed to be. This has to be the weakest collection of costumes that I’ve ever seen. From what I can tell (in order from left to right) you’re a gay wizard, a lady bug, a drunk rabbit, and the frutiest cowboy I have ever seen. I think those are chaps...
Cats are closet arsonists.
This poor cat! It was rescued from a horrible fire. It must have been so scared, completely petrified and confused by what was going on…
I can’t do this. That cat fucking did it. See that look in its eyes? That is a guilty look! It’s as if he’s saying, “You got away this time house. Next time you won’t be so lucky…”
Stop picking on babies, cats!
What the hell, cat? What was it about this baby having a nice enjoyable stroll that pissed you off so much? I’m getting pretty sick of cats constantly picking on babies for doing absolutely nothing. If cats are going to keep this up then we should start training babies to draw first blood. Then you’d be watching a video of a cat sunning himself while a baby snuck up and sucker...
Hollywood knows cats are pricks.
Usually Hollywood doesn’t know anything. They’re a bunch of snobby douchebags, who are incidentally not all that different from cats. But, have you ever noticed how villains in film and television have cats? Misery loves company, and I can’t think of an animal that’s more miserable and mean spirited than the cat. They eat birds. They play with mice before they murder them....
Oh no...
People always tell me I’m crazy for constantly talking about how cats are planning to take over the world. And they’d be right, except for the fact that this cat is in fucking scuba suit. Look at this shit! Did you even know cats could make scuba suits? What legitimate civilian use could a cat have for a scuba suit? Exactly. None.
It’s pretty obvious that cats are...
Oh knock it off.
This cat is so pissed off. Look at him. He’s livid that he was forced to bathe. I’ve heard people say that cats can clean themselves. That is a bunch of bullshit. Licking your butt is not the same as cleaning yourself and we all know it. You may not care about how you smell, cat, but the rest of us are the ones that have to put up with your stinky ass. So you were forced to wash up...
Major Whisker Watch Alert is in effect!
Watch this entire video before reading below.
People think that loving cats is harmless, even rewarding. This video is absolute scientific proof that cats are a poisonous force that will drive you absolutely insane if exposed for too long. Look at this woman. She’s batshit crazy.
She’s buy 20 tins of cat food and a bottle of E&J whiskey at the supermarket crazy. She’s...
Come play with us.
You know those two girls from The Shining? If they owned cats, they’d be these cats. Look at the vacant expressions. There’s nothing behind those eyes. If that one in the middle could talk he’d say something like, “We’ve been expecting you…”
Oh, NOW I get it!
This helpful PSA points out something that many of us probably haven’t fully comprehended until now: A cat is in fact NOT a pony. It makes so much sense when you say it like that, but I just can’t wrap my head around the concept of a tiny furry animal not being the same as a large hooved, snouted one. Don’t get it. Probably never will.
With that said, it sure makes a lot of...
Dogs are bigger than cats.
Good for you, dog! It’s important to remind cats about their place in the world from time to time. Pin them, put your butthole two inches from their face, maybe let one slip. I don’t know, you do what you want. The point here is that this cat is not going to forget the shame of what happened to him, and he’ll probably stop being such an arrogant prick for a few days. If...
I just peed myself a little.
The internet has been wrapped up in a mushy love affair with cats for a long time now, and I for one just don’t get it. Cats are not cute and lovable, they’re here for one thing and one thing only: to destroy humanity. They just trick us into thinking they’re cute and lovable so it will be easier to take us all down. But, take away the fur and the innocent look and kitty does not...
Wilford Brimley cat has diabeetus.
Japan is a strange place, home to many magnificent things that us Americans find exciting and majestic. Japan is also home to a bunch of wacked out bizarre shit that freaks out even the most twisted and perverted Americans. This cat falls into the second category. One of the following two scenarios is possible here:
1) This cat has been trained to sit upright at a table and help himself to food...
Totally...
This makes me want to cry. I would like to point out how relaxed the cats are about this whole situation. They’re just hanging out. Have you ever tried to get a cat to do ANYTHING that it didn’t want to do? It fights you like its life is on the line. But these two cats are comfortably lounging. I think it’s absolutely possible that this picture was their idea. “We want you...
That's what you get, cat.
Come on cat. This little bunny is hanging out by himself, minding his own business, pondering life and you take that as a cue to attack him? What is wrong with you? Do I blame the bunny at all for reacting the way he did? Hell no. He taught you a valuable lesson about fucking with a bunny mid-trance. Claw a bunny while he’s struggling with the meaning of life and he’s going to rape...
Terrorist!
I always knew there was something un-American about cats. Now I have proof! Look at this little bastard, daring to face off against a bald eagle. Aside from the fact that a bald eagle could turn this cat into goo in under 5 seconds, this is just flat out disrespectful and un-patriotic. I feel like taking a pee on the Lincoln Memorial would be less of an affront to America than fucking with a bald...
Cats hate babies. Figures.
What is wrong with you cat? He’s just a baby and you’re tormenting him. That’s probably lead based paint too. That could stay in his system for years, causing health problems down the line or putting him at risk for cancer. What did he do to piss you off cat? Did he laugh? Or maybe he smiled. It had to be something sweet like that to drive your black little heart to do something...
Be yourself.
Sigh. Dammit. I don’t even have anything to say. This makes me so sad.
A for effort Swedish Fish!
What Swedish Fish have depicted here is that eating a cat sandwich is bad and eating a Swedish Fish is good. While I don’t necessarily agree with their logic, I do agree with the idea of the cat sandwich. It’s not that I think cats would taste good, I actually think they’d taste pretty awful. It’s just that if we don’t start standing up to cats and taking them down a...
What gives CBS?
This is what CBS employees see when they try to go to fuckyoucat.com. I never figured CBS for a bunch of cat huggers, but here you have it. This is incontrovertible proof that CBS censors anyone who dares to speak out against cats. Why, you might ask? I don’t know, what am I, a god damn detective? Fucking cats, this is all your fault.
It's the middle of the day cat! Get it together!
Look at this cat! Piss drunk and it’s the middle of the damn day. There’s a word for cats like that, and it’s alcoholic. Lush, wino, and barfly also work. Jesus cat, you’re drinking your life away. Get yourself to a meeting, this is no way to live.
Suicidal cats are so selfish.
A friend of mine got back to her car and found this under the windshield wiper. Some asshole feral cat tried to hide out in the hood of her car! If she would have started the car with the cat in there it would have died a horrible melty death. This cat is so selfish. It didn’t even think about how it would make my friend feel. Can you imagine? It would be so awful scraping a dead cat off of your...
Get it together slob.
This cat is disgusting. It’s overweight, lazy, and it has terrible posture. I mean, come on. Sit up straight. You look like a deadbeat. And despite all that, look at that condescending glare. This cat still thinks he’s better than you, even though he’s a pathetic slob. Fuck you cat, you’re not better than anyone. Asshole.
They're watching you.
You know in old animated movies if a character was stuck in a jungle at night and scary eyes start appearing in the darkness? It’s these guys. They want one thing and one thing only. To eat your face off and make everyone that loves you cry. I guess that’s two things. Bastard cats pulled one over on me!
Ginger cats are rapists.
God dammit. I hate you cat. I hate you so much. You’re raping a weener dog! They’re like living cartoons, and you’re raping one. It’s like pure evil descended upon pure happiness and joy. You son of a bitch ginger cat!
You bastard.
This is sick. That poor fish. He has to sit there waiting for this sick bastard cat to decide when to eat him. See that look in the cats eyes? Cold. Uncaring. Evil. Fucking murderer.
That is so irresponsible.
Clearly this cat is not tall enough to drive safely, yet there he is, behind the wheel of a car. Do you know how many people die every year from car accidents? This cat doesn’t give a shit. It’s all about what he wants, not about what’s safe. What’s it going to take before he stops to think about the consequences? Fucking cats.
This is exactly what I'm talking about!
You can tell when someone is stuck up, and this fucking cat is stuck up. Look at him with his stupid bow tie collar and his shit eating glare. He probably has a glass of scotch off screen and a date with a high class prostitute later in the evening. God I hate this cat. He probably voted for Bush. Twice.
This cat has some serious growing up to do.
Real mature cat. You know, adults handle arguments with words, but here you are using violence. Yeah, we’ve all been upset before, but we control that anger and handle it with some maturity. What’s your problem anyway?
What kind of way is that to behave?
Everybody knows cats have no soul, and that’s why they’re so damn mean to everyone. Check out this video. This asshole cat is flat out attacking this dog. I can’t walk up to a random person in the street and just punch them. Why in the hell does this cat get a free pass for doing the same exact thing? Someone should teach this cat some manners.
How would you teach this cat...
Typical.
Great. Just what society needs. Another lazy cat that drinks too much and doesn’t take responsibility for himself or his 18 children. Get back to your wife and family you low life! Or did you spend the grocery money on booze again? Creep.
Kill it! Kill it!
I don’t know a lot, but I’m pretty sure that this cat eats babies pretty much daily. It lives off of babies and happiness. And puppies.
It’s that evil snow monster from Star Wars!
Get your own damn food, cat!
That is not your food cat! Look how sad that bear is. He lives in a bear enclosure. That doesn’t even look like food. There’s no way you want that. You just think that you’re entitled to everything. If I was that bear I’d eat you instead of that yellow pile of stuff.
Do it already you pussy. (GET IT!??!)
Oh hey look, it’s a cat stuck in a tree. Pretty cliche, don’t you think cat? I get it, we’re all supposed to stop what we’re doing and pay attention to you because you had a rough childhood and you’re not showered with attention every hour of every day. Some of us have real problems cat, the world doesn’t revolve around you.
Save some for everyone else, asshole.
Wow cat. Do you not even realize that there are cats in Africa that would kill just to have a taste of some of your Fancy Feast? And there you are just stuffing crates of it down your face. It’s cats like you that cause world hunger. I hope you’re proud of yourself, because you make me sick.
Wow, grow up cat.
Oh my bad, cat. You don’t want to go to the vet? But just so we’re clear, you’re cool with having a home to live in and food to eat every day, right? Oh, okay. Cool. Grow up cat. Seriously.
That cat thinks he's better than me.
This is how grandmothers from wealthy elite New York families look at kids wearing baggy clothes playing rap music. Having more money than somebody else is a perfectly good reason to think you’re better than them. This cat, on the other hand, licks its butthole and pees in a tiny sandbox. It has no right to look at me or anyone else this way. If I were the photographer I would have reached...
Hey nice job cat.
Look at that stupid cat. Laying there with his balls in the air like he’s some type of king. Well riddle me this cat, would a king sprint headfirst in to a wall? Didn’t think so.
You're not a gymnast, you're a cat. Idiot.
Humans have been rewarding cats with praise and food for way too long. We feed their little egos because they can jump around. Now all the cats think they can do anything, and this idiot cat got what was coming to him. You’re a cat, not a gymnast. Quit trying to do flips. Just sit there and act pretentious like you’re supposed to. Stupid cat.