November 2009
6 posts
Oh fuck you, Santa.
I’ve seen this sort of thing on TV and in movies before and I’ve got to say, it seems pretty sick to me. Stuffing a cat into a box to give someone for Christmas? That’s really twisted and inhumane. Can you imagine? Thinking you’re getting a real present and then you open it up to find a fucking cat inside. That must be so horrifying and jarring. People really are sick....
I made it. Thank God.
I’ve gotten a lot of worried emails from people wondering why the site hasn’t been updated as much recently. What I’m about to tell you will chill you to your core, but it’s a story that must be told. It’s the story of the time I was kidnapped and held captive by cats. It happened last week, on Thursday.
I was walking down the street, after having stopped by the...
You're not invited.
Christmas is a time for happiness, forgiveness, and family. It’s a time when we celebrate the inherent goodness in all of us, and let our petty squabbles fall by the wayside. That, of course, goes for humans. We have souls and we’re capable of genuine emotion. Cats on the other hands are soulless black holes that devour all signs of joy and love around them. Why do you think...
Rip off.
From what I can tell, this is supposed to be impressive. Let me just point out that I’ve been doing handstands for years now, but you won’t find a single damn picture of me and a circus magician performing the move online. Do you know why? Because it’s not fucking interesting. Oh, but cats weren’t built to do handstands, they’ll say. Neither were humans! We just...
I hate your hat.
In my experience, french people are a lot like cats. They’re lazy, pretentious, and they get pissed if you poke them a few times. I’m not sure whether this is an actual french cat, or if some twisted scientist took cat DNA and french DNA and mixed them together to create this striped douchebag, but I’m a little shaken by the thought of something so unbelievably annoying...
Get off of the computer you asshole.
For the most part I think that cats are total idiots. I think from the title of the website alone you probably get that. So, it’s not that I think cats know how to use computers, or that they’re going to use them to destroy the human race. It’s just that I’m not too comfortable with them even being given the opportunity to understand what computers are.
Sure, today they...