January 2011
1 post
That's what you get
Sometimes in life we learn lessons the hard way. This cat has learned that by being a total piece of shit all the time, his owner no longer loves him and has moved on to a way cuter, way cuddlier bunny. That’s right, cat, you’ve been one-upped by a fucking bunny.
Have you ever tried to hang out with a bunny? They’re the worst. They always look like they’re on the verge a...
February 2010
1 post
This cat thinks you're stupid
First off, this is an old trick. Wolves have been doing this to sheep for years. I thought to myself, what an uninventive cat this is. He might as well have put on a fake mustache, nose, and glasses disguise. But then I looked again. He’s not in attack mode. He looks sad. Defeated even. He’s not trying to infiltrate their ranks to eat them, he’s trying to become one of them....
December 2009
3 posts
This makes me uncomfortable.
Why don’t more people walk their cats on leashes? Because they’re ashamed to let the world see them, that’s why. They love them deeply, but they’re ashamed of them all the same. Cats are like porn collections in that way, I guess.
Also it could be that walking a cat who is hellbent on flailing its way out of the harness you’ve strapped it in to makes you look equal...
I've got big plans for you.
Not everybody fears the cat as I do. In fact, many of you weird people have grown to accept cats, even love them, but the bottom line is that if this photo doesn’t scare the living shit out of you then you don’t have a soul. I swear on my mother that if I walked in to a room and saw this pile of cruelty staring back at me I would let out the most horrifying, girlie scream, then pee...
Stew! Stew! It's Good For You!
Why on earth I searched the term “Cat Stew” in Google Images is beyond me, but I did it, and I’m happy I did, because it brought me to this picture, and more importantly, to this blog post (Holli’s Ramblings):
Trying to explain to a Ghanaian that some families in Europe and the West actually view cats and dogs as a family member… [is] as difficult as it is for me...
November 2009
6 posts
Oh fuck you, Santa.
I’ve seen this sort of thing on TV and in movies before and I’ve got to say, it seems pretty sick to me. Stuffing a cat into a box to give someone for Christmas? That’s really twisted and inhumane. Can you imagine? Thinking you’re getting a real present and then you open it up to find a fucking cat inside. That must be so horrifying and jarring. People really are sick....
I made it. Thank God.
I’ve gotten a lot of worried emails from people wondering why the site hasn’t been updated as much recently. What I’m about to tell you will chill you to your core, but it’s a story that must be told. It’s the story of the time I was kidnapped and held captive by cats. It happened last week, on Thursday.
I was walking down the street, after having stopped by the...
You're not invited.
Christmas is a time for happiness, forgiveness, and family. It’s a time when we celebrate the inherent goodness in all of us, and let our petty squabbles fall by the wayside. That, of course, goes for humans. We have souls and we’re capable of genuine emotion. Cats on the other hands are soulless black holes that devour all signs of joy and love around them. Why do you think...
Rip off.
From what I can tell, this is supposed to be impressive. Let me just point out that I’ve been doing handstands for years now, but you won’t find a single damn picture of me and a circus magician performing the move online. Do you know why? Because it’s not fucking interesting. Oh, but cats weren’t built to do handstands, they’ll say. Neither were humans! We just...
I hate your hat.
In my experience, french people are a lot like cats. They’re lazy, pretentious, and they get pissed if you poke them a few times. I’m not sure whether this is an actual french cat, or if some twisted scientist took cat DNA and french DNA and mixed them together to create this striped douchebag, but I’m a little shaken by the thought of something so unbelievably annoying...
Get off of the computer you asshole.
For the most part I think that cats are total idiots. I think from the title of the website alone you probably get that. So, it’s not that I think cats know how to use computers, or that they’re going to use them to destroy the human race. It’s just that I’m not too comfortable with them even being given the opportunity to understand what computers are.
Sure, today they...
October 2009
18 posts
Do not want.
I’ve never understood this costume. Are there people out there who think that cats are sexy, so they thought that a woman dressed as a cat would be sexy? I shudder at the thought of some drunken costume designer 15 years ago sitting alone in his studio a month before Halloween, failed costume ideas strewn about the room at his feet.
Another year of princess and pirate costumes, he thinks...
If I could punch an idea, this would be the one.
WHAT? There are cat shows? Jesus. It makes sense to me that there would be dog shows, because dogs are awesome, but cat shows? It’s like holding an event to celebrate infectious diseases or shit. And I don’t mean “shit” as in “stuff.” I mean that I’m comparing a cat show to an event where the soul purpose is to showcase different types of...
Never gonna happen, cat.
Aside from the fact that cats lack the opposable thumbs necessary to effectively pick up and move chess pieces, they don’t strike me as a species that would really excel at the game. I can’t help but resent them for trying though. I think it’s the sheer audacity that gets me.
This little bastard thinks he can play chess, just like any human. Do you see me lounging in a sun...
Oh boo hoo.
Look, cat. I feel like you’re missing the point of Halloween. It’s supposed to be about having fun, and this pathetic costume combined with that sour look on your face is pretty much the opposite of that. I know the idea of being forced to enjoy yourself is just excruciating, but come on.
Either wear a costume and really go for it, or don’t wear one at all. There’s no...
You suck at Halloween.
Halloween is right around the corner, so I guess I should start bracing myself for a wave of shitty cat costumes. But come on, cat. I feel like you’re not even trying. I’m pretty sure Harry Potter didn’t even wear a wizard hat. The fact that you have to sit on the books to clarify who you are should be evidence enough that this costume is fully retarded.
Also, why are you...
Stop acting like me!
What is it with cats? They imitate how humans have been acting for centuries, then become famous by doing a less advanced version of it. Do you think that I could become famous by taking a picture of myself going poop and putting it on the internet? No way. If anything I’d be put on a sex offenders watch list, and I’m pretty sure I’m way better at pooping in a toilet than this...
Cats are terrible strategists.
Hey look, it’s armor for cats! I guess that’s cool, but let’s be honest here, some metal around your body isn’t going to help you that much. You’re still like 10 pounds. Armor or not, one swift kick to the side and you’ll sail like a football. Now that I think about it, bright gold armor is a terrible move. You’re an offensively reflective 10 pound fur...
Way to go, Russia.
It’s hard to judge Russia. In pretty much every way, life in Russia is harder than it is in America. It’s cold, everybody is pale and un-attractive, their economy is shit, everything looks like it was built in the 60’s, and there’s the burden of hating all Westerners for being pigdogs. That sounds awful. No wonder they’re always wasted on cheap booze. It just seems...
Very clever, cat. Very clever indeed.
War zones are usually a pretty shitty place to hang out, what with all of the bullets and attempted murder going on. There’s lots of things in war zones, like guns, camouflage, bombs, and tanks. You know what there’s not a lot of? Kittens. There’s not a lot of kittens in war zones. That’s because normal animals run in the opposite direction when they hear death coming....
Superman loves cupcakes.
Nice costume, chubby. I find your choice to be a bit ironic. There is absolutely nothing “super” about you, except for maybe the size of your gut. I would almost feel bad for you except for the fact that you clearly did this to yourself. But hey, who knows. I guess anything is possible. Maybe you’re one of those totally unimpressive retarded looking superhero’s that...
Not in my country!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! I think you’ll find that legally speaking, marriage is defined as being between two HUMANS. So if you’re trying to make a statement about a cats right to marry, just forget about it right now, because I seriously doubt cats can even feel love. You’re just little balls of evil wrapped in fur, and frankly your costumes are a disgrace to the...
This is probably a bad thing.
Either this cat is planning on going to space, or he’s an Evel Knievel impersonator with his head stuffed into a gerbil ball. Either way, I’m a little freaked out. I think it goes without saying that if cats have developed a space program without us knowing, we’re in far worse shape than I had originally anticipated. On the other hand, if cats are daredevil adrenaline junkies...
Lieutenant Fabulous reporting for duty!
By the looks of your military beret and your combat camouflage, you should be in the kitty military, cat. Maybe even an officer. But damn it all there’s that pesky “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule, and that electric blue fur collar you’re sporting isn’t going to win you any supporters in the platoon. I’m just going to float the idea that maybe...
Oh no. Gang members!
Okay. These cats are clearly not fucking around. They show all the signs of being your classic gang trio. Obviously the guy in the middle is the fearless leader. On the left you have your garden variety lackey, and on your right you’ve got the cold blooded psycho who looks like Hitler and will cut you up without any hesitation.
Usually, cats scare me because I’m pretty much...
It's an Obamanation!
And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. ‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA!
Oh fuck you too.
As a breed, cats are pretty smug, but this ginger bastard takes the cake for condescending looks. Oh, I’m sorry grandpa, did I wake you up with my rock and roll music and my skateboarding on the sidewalk? What a dick. Go watch Matlock…or the cat equivalent…Catlock? God I hate myself for that. Fucking ginger cats.
Nice try, cat.
Oh I see what’s going on here. That’s pretty clever, cat. I’ll hand it to you. You’ve clearly caught wind of my site, and you know that I know that you’re up to something evil. You decided it was time to try to throw me off your scent. Dressing up as a pig so that you can go about your devious mischief unhindered might fool some people, cat, but not me. I’m...
My precious...
Whoa now! We joke around about cats being evil on this site a lot, but this little bastard isn’t kidding around. He wants nothing more than to murder this happy little parrot. He wants it with every fiber of his being. I would even be willing to bet money that he hasn’t blinked in days. Look at his eyes. His sanity is slowly slipping away as he obsesses about eating that parrot. And...
September 2009
50 posts
Can I name him Ballbag?
They call these Sphynx cats. That seems like a pretty big compliment for what appears to be a walking ballsack. This has to be in the top five worst designed animals in existence. A lot of people think they’re cute, but honestly if I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night and this little four legged scrotum was staring back at me, my first instinct would be to try to kill it....
Bad call. You look dumb now.
Sweet haircut you fucking nerd. You see that on TV and figure you’d give it a try? I bet all the other cats picked on you when you showed up at school sporting that sweet ‘do. I dig the bushy leg thing you’ve got going on there. What’s that called, The Fall Out Boy? You’re so getting strung up to the flag pole by your underwear at school tomorrow.
Look cat,...
You're not Jewish!
I’m no scientist, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I don’t think this cat is Jewish. This is so typical. Cats always have to be the center of attention, and this little bastard couldn’t stand the idea of Jews getting a little attention because it’s Yom Kippur, so he went out and got himself a little Yarmulke. Cute. Real fucking cute.
So you’re...
Learn some damn manners.
I’ve been this tired before, but unlike cats I understand that there are rules that have to be observed. Not falling asleep in my food at the dinner table is one of those rules. My mom would have slapped the shit out of me had I done this, but somehow this little asshole is an internet sensation because he face planted in his IAMS. I get it, you’re a baby cat, you get sleepy. But if...
Oh good. Wings.
Oh look, this cat grew some wings. Awesome. Totally awesome. Cats really needed another advantage. They’ve already got half the population under their spell as it is, now this. Feeding them, petting them, scooping up their shit, petting their bellies. Now they’re adding flight to the equation? Cats have the biggest fucking egos around, and it’s because of shit like this. They...
Looking good, handsome.
Kittywigs.com is a website that sells colored wigs for cats. Fantastic! I’ve discussed the destructive power of the cat before on this site, and Kittywigs.com just strengthens my belief that cats will drive a person completely fucking insane. The cat lady is real, and she made this website. Read this excerpt from the product description:
“Shaft shows off the many ...
Way to go, Alf!
Remember Alf? He was that lovable alien who just so happened to love eating cats. They always gave him such a hard time about it and that’s just flat out mean. He was a stranded Alien in a confusing, far away place, and all he wanted was something to eat. And what did they do? They took the side of the damn cat and Alf had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for years on end....
Now THAT's a deal!
Obviously I’m not really in favor of owning cats, but if you absolutely HAVE to, make sure you get yourself one of these. Look how safe that family feels. It’s because they know that with this amazing device they never have to worry about that little agent of Satan breaking free and attacking them again.
At $16.49 what are you really losing anyway? Just buy one and try it out....
Hey thanks Thrillist.com!
Some genius over at Thrillist.com wrote up a really nice piece about fuckyoucat.com today. I just wanted to say thanks to Thrillist for featuring the site, and also for sharing what is obviously a similar distrust and disdain of cats. It’s always good to have friends in high places. You hear that, cats? Our numbers are growing. Your reign of tyranny will soon be over!
Cats do not like to skydive.
I really enjoy the concept of taking a cat out of its natural element and scaring the living shit out of it. In general I think we as humans should do that more often. That is why I love what these Russians are doing. This guy put baggies over the cats paws so it couldn’t claw him, then strapped it to his chest and jumped out of a fucking plane. You can see the cat lose his shit right...
Ew!
This is just filthy. Look how lovingly the guy is looking at that cat. There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s something else going on here, because getting super naked and taking a shower with your cat is not normal or cool. Going the extra mile and filming it, then putting it up on YouTube for the world to see is just a whole different bottle of crazy that I can’t even...
They get younger and younger every year.
Cats are innocent and sweet? BULLSHIT! Look at this cat hanging out with a bunch of nazis! What really upsets me is how young this cat is. It’s probably only a month old and already it owns a grenade and hangs out with a bunch of nazis. This cat had better get his act together and stop hanging out with the wrong crowd or he’s going to be in a lot of trouble later in life. Where are...
Nice costumes, nerds.
You guys are a bunch of nerds. There. I said what everyone else was thinking. I’m not really even clear on what any of you are supposed to be. This has to be the weakest collection of costumes that I’ve ever seen. From what I can tell (in order from left to right) you’re a gay wizard, a lady bug, a drunk rabbit, and the frutiest cowboy I have ever seen. I think those are chaps...
Cats are closet arsonists.
This poor cat! It was rescued from a horrible fire. It must have been so scared, completely petrified and confused by what was going on…
I can’t do this. That cat fucking did it. See that look in its eyes? That is a guilty look! It’s as if he’s saying, “You got away this time house. Next time you won’t be so lucky…”
Stop picking on babies, cats!
What the hell, cat? What was it about this baby having a nice enjoyable stroll that pissed you off so much? I’m getting pretty sick of cats constantly picking on babies for doing absolutely nothing. If cats are going to keep this up then we should start training babies to draw first blood. Then you’d be watching a video of a cat sunning himself while a baby snuck up and sucker...
Hollywood knows cats are pricks.
Usually Hollywood doesn’t know anything. They’re a bunch of snobby douchebags, who are incidentally not all that different from cats. But, have you ever noticed how villains in film and television have cats? Misery loves company, and I can’t think of an animal that’s more miserable and mean spirited than the cat. They eat birds. They play with mice before they murder them....
Oh no...
People always tell me I’m crazy for constantly talking about how cats are planning to take over the world. And they’d be right, except for the fact that this cat is in fucking scuba suit. Look at this shit! Did you even know cats could make scuba suits? What legitimate civilian use could a cat have for a scuba suit? Exactly. None.
It’s pretty obvious that cats are...
Oh knock it off.
This cat is so pissed off. Look at him. He’s livid that he was forced to bathe. I’ve heard people say that cats can clean themselves. That is a bunch of bullshit. Licking your butt is not the same as cleaning yourself and we all know it. You may not care about how you smell, cat, but the rest of us are the ones that have to put up with your stinky ass. So you were forced to wash up...
Major Whisker Watch Alert is in effect!
Watch this entire video before reading below.
People think that loving cats is harmless, even rewarding. This video is absolute scientific proof that cats are a poisonous force that will drive you absolutely insane if exposed for too long. Look at this woman. She’s batshit crazy.
She’s buy 20 tins of cat food and a bottle of E&J whiskey at the supermarket crazy. She’s...
Come play with us.
You know those two girls from The Shining? If they owned cats, they’d be these cats. Look at the vacant expressions. There’s nothing behind those eyes. If that one in the middle could talk he’d say something like, “We’ve been expecting you…”
Oh, NOW I get it!
This helpful PSA points out something that many of us probably haven’t fully comprehended until now: A cat is in fact NOT a pony. It makes so much sense when you say it like that, but I just can’t wrap my head around the concept of a tiny furry animal not being the same as a large hooved, snouted one. Don’t get it. Probably never will.
With that said, it sure makes a lot of...